Part of my point the other day was that I was just so over the negativity. Yes, I have said that in the past, but now being on the other side and realizing that you can do things without being a whiny hag while doing so, makes me realize what a whiny hag I had become. 

Today, I spent the whole morning cleaning. I tore things apart. I threw out things. I scrubbed until it shined. It felt good to walk around and know that instead of sitting around online whining about my miserable life, I took positive steps forward and actually accomplished a few things that had been neglected. 

Organization has always been the key to my mental stability and lately it has been far from organized. 

I am sure many have noticed I am not such a presence on Facebook or here as before. I won't say it is a choice I made purposely, but it is kind of funny; when I had little to no access to internet, I craved my time online. Now that I am in a position to log in anytime I desire, I find myself not spending the time I once did. I still enjoy catching up with friends, but I am finding other things that require my time and attention and are helping me remain focused on the positives and not so much on the negatives. 

I look forward to a weekend full of time with the kids. Caleb has a birthday party to attend tomorrow, so he is really looking forward to that. We need to get out and get a gift some time before 1 tomorrow. Oops. 

No, life isn't perfect and I still don't have my shit together, but that's okay. I will....eventually.

So, my "aha" moment came a few days ago. I will again say, the meds help my clarity greatly. Either that or they make me completely nonsensical and I am crazy. We will run with it either way.

I have made some big changes in my life and I see several others struggling with changes in theirs. The common theme seems to be a need to publicly declare we are going to be okay. We are strong, not afraid, etc. I felt I needed that bolster, that "I'm ten feet tall and bullet proof" bravado to get me through.

In reality? I am still scared shitless. Proclaiming I'm strong, doesn't make it so. What is going to make me strong is proving to MYSELF that I can do this and just fucking doing it.  I don't know what my future holds and that absolutely terrifies me. I don't say that to get a ton of "oh, you are going to be fine" responses. In fact, I am turning off comments for this blog for that very reason. I am just laying it out here raw and real. I have no doubt I am going to be fine, but that doesn't change the fear I walk around with each and every day.

I look at my children and see nothing but absolute trust and unconditional love. I will not fail them if I can help it. Does that mean I won't make mistakes? Of course not, but it just means I hope to do as little damage as possible. They are the ones I need to protect and have believe in me.

It is absolutely terrifying stepping off that ledge, and the talk, talk, and more talk about it doesn't make it any less so. So, with that in mind...

I am just going to tell you...I am terrified. I don't have the answers. I am not brave. I cry at night after the children are in bed. I worry. I fear making the wrong choices and ending up in a terrible situation. Basically, I am just like every other person on earth and I am done pretending I have my shit together. Truth is, I don't even know where half my shit is and don't care.

There...I said it. I am human. Just like you.

It was a nice quiet day. I like those kinds of days. Caleb got me red roses because he read those meant "love and respect". Seriously...how did I get blessed with that amazing child? Em slept in which meant that I could have slept in, but I didn't. My body just refuses. 

The meds are working. I am still on the edge of the cliff, but no longer have the urge to jump. I figure by weeks end, I will at least be sitting swinging my legs over the side instead of poking my toes over the edge.

Life is good. It isn't perfect, but when is it? I am happy and that is what counts.

So, last night after several quiet days of the ex husband's new wife apparently forgetting I exist, she struck. I am lying in bed....almost asleep when I hear my text message alert go off. My first thought is always..."what now?" It's a number I don't recognize. Alyssa perhaps??? Nope...his wife once again reminding me that he is her man and need to find that other man up my "sleef" to run with. Um...what?

My response went something like this....A. The word is SLEEVE. B. Nathan and I were never in the same room long enough to get on one another's nerves (she had insinuated that he had me leave since I was making him crazy) C. His phone has been shut off since the day our granddaughter was born, but how cute you tried that, and D. I have HAD your man. I do not have any interest in a second round with him. God doesn't like ugly and I don't like harassment. One more drunk text and I will be pressing charges. 

Her nonsensical reply was something about how she no long drank...sorry. 

Well of course not. That is why you are texting me at almost midnight a week after I made other arrangements for my living. I did this to give Whitney and Collin time with the babies, and to relieve some of the stress that surrounds a ton of us in one home. Nathan and I had discussed other arrangements, but at the time, this made the most sense. Hate to break it to her, but my time on the hill is far from over. Other things have come up that need a strong family presence and I plan on being there as soon as possible.

Apparently she discovered my blog. Gotta love being popular and was offended that I mentioned she had removed items from the home. No, she is correct, it really wouldn't have been my business, but for the fact that my daughters (one extremely pregnant at the time) and grandson lived in that home. I assure you they might not have had much when you married into the family, but they had a freaking toaster, can opener, microwave, and kitchen table. If YOU purchased those to upgrade the home, they now become "community" property. A judge is the only person that can determine what goes where and nine times out of ten...the furniture (and especially the all important can opener) remains with the home. 

You took those things, but left your clothes. You came to the home the day my daughter brought her new baby home and KICKED a freaking window unit out of a window shattering glass everywhere. Frankly, I think you need to just let this go. Your marriage issues really have nothing to do with me. I have been told that by everyone. You guys had issues LONG before I came home and will continue to have issues if you don't learn to communicate without throwing things. 

I came home to help my mini me with the birth of our beautiful Paisley Jo. Your antics caused so much more stress than any of us ever needed. For the love of all things holy...let it go and move on. Texting me is not going to get you anywhere but before a judge facing harassment charges. This family has so much more on our plates...please take the crazy elsewhere...please.

So, if you happen to read this know a few things...I feel badly for how things turned out for you. I believe you really love him, but he is just not in a place to return that. Don't blame the rest of us for hunkering down and protecting our own. It's what we do...we are a family. And yes, as much as it disturbs you to realize this....that is very much my family. Always has been...always will be. They would have welcomed you just as graciously had you only given them the chance. I hope you find the peace you are seeking. I really do. And I really hope you never text me again because spending the day swearing out a restraining order just doesn't sound fun.

When you spend half an hour yelling at a tmobile representative. In my defense, I had ONE question. My phone was not working at all. It had been working perfectly and suddenly just stopped. I turned it off and turned it back on. I took the stupid battery out. I did a "please let me phone work" dance. Nothing worked. I started to think it must be an outage in the area. You would think they could answer that question pretty quickly. You would be wrong.

Half an hour I somewhat talked to a rep on the phone. Land line phone since the cell was just a pretty paper weight at that moment. A. I can't understand a word he is saying. Typically I don't find myself bothered with heavy accents and such, but I seriously couldn't understand ONE word he was saying. He spoke very quickly, quietly, and with a thick accent. He could have been telling me to go fuck myself and I would have had no clue. I politely asked could he slow down since I was having such a difficult time understanding. I have no idea what he said, but I'm pretty sure we are engaged. 

During that nightmare, I hopped online to see if there was something on the website. I got yet another, oh so non helpful, rep, but at least I could read the typing. She and I went through the whole "Yes, I did all of that" routine for about fifteen minutes. In what can only be described as a pre planned event for me, they both announced at the same time (a half hour into this ordeal) that there was a tower being repaired and service was down for two hours. Again, I think that is what the guy said, but he could have said he was riding pink elephants in the circus while standing on a power line. I just said "thanks for the answers" and disconnected from both.

This morning...same issue. No calls in or out. No text. I went the safe route and immediately got online. I explained as politely as I could (and by polite, I mean I didn't cuss...yet) that the problem was back and I wanted a clear answer as to the problem. Another half an hour and she is having me do the "make my phone work naked dance" while I am explaining to her that this makes no sense since last night it was a "tower" issue and now suddenly it is a "phone" issue when she finally says..."Oh, let me check if there is an outage in your area." That was my FIRST question. Ugh....

Why yes, yes there is. It is not a repair, but an "upgrade" and will take as long as three days. 1. Why did they say two hours last night? 2. Three fucking days???? If I paid this bill, I'd be really pissed. LOL

So...if you text or call and I don't respond...it isn't that I hate you (I might, but that isn't important now), it is just my pretty phone is doing nothing but being pretty until TMobile gets this wonderful "upgrade" done. 

On another note...happiness does not equal "stress free". My body and mind are at war and I am smart enough to realize when I need medication to help. Off to the doctor today to hopefully get some relief. I have come too far to let my panic attacks change my path. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a far calmer outlook and can actually get things done instead of sitting here feeling like I want to crawl in a hole. As I said to someone the other day...being strong does not mean I am not scared. It just means I am going to put a smile on my face and let you think I'm not shaking in my boots.