The doctor the other night wanted to run some blood work just to rule out anything that might be going on that is being masked by the depression. Never one to turn down answers, I happily complied.

The results came back yesterday and she called about them today. My thyroid count is low and I am lacking in a few vitamins. She wants me back in for another blood draw in a month to determine if the count with the thyroid was stress related or if it in fact, off kilter.

It would explain a lot of how I have been feeling, but we shall see. Thus far the meds are doing their job, although they leave me very sleepy. The panic attacks have ceased and sadly so have my emotions. The one drawback to these is how badly they mask my emotions. I can't cry, or get angry in a normal fashion.

Life has taken a few twists and turns as of late, but I am rolling with it as best I can. Being in a drug induced fog helps with the hurt, but I am sure it will catch up to me eventually.

Whitney is scheduled to leave on Tuesday. I have loved every moment of her visit and wish she would stay, but know she has her own journey to take.

That is pretty much it from my world.

But Whitney would kill me, so I will just give you the highlights.

She was scheduled to fly home yesterday morning. After an afternoon visit with a bunch of her old friends, they convinced her to hang out a bit longer. I did a quick check and was able to reschedule her flight for later in the month. A win/win all around.

A few days ago she mentioned she was having some pains. Since she was staying longer, we called the doctor and got her in for a check up last night. Turns out what she had was something that could have turned into something quite serious if left untreated. (No, not an STD) She even said had she gone home yesterday morning, she would have just continued to treat it with over the counter meds and most likely it would have finally made her very ill. I am glad we took her in and now all is well.

After we got home some of her friends called and invited her to the beach. That meant I got to keep Braiden for the evening. He went down shortly after she left and I crashed in her room. It was the easiest night of babysitting I have ever had.

She got home before curfew and said she had a blast. I was thrilled she got that time with her friends.

Today is a bit of a lazy day. While I got a decent night of sleep, my body is still playing catch up on those lost six days, so I plan on lounging around as much as possible today. Tomorrow we hit the swap meet just for fun. Whitney loves the knock off purses she can find and I enjoy just walking around.

Tuesday we plan on hitting the museums with Emily and Braiden and taking a long walk around Balboa. I plan on enjoying the time we have left on this visit.

Have a great weekend.

This picture was taken this past weekend. I love it so much and here is why...what you see are three children playing in the sand. You don't see a child with special needs and her brother that feels as though he has to give up part of his life to care for her. You see a brother and sister enjoying the afternoon with their nephew.

This is the picture I want people to imagine when facing the potential diagnosis of Down syndrome. This is what our life is like. Do we have trials and tribulations? Of course we do. Has Emily been through many, many different procedures? Yes. Would I trade one moment of those? Absolutely not because then I wouldn't have that beautiful picture above me.

So often people learning of this diagnosis are given nothing but worst case scenarios. The doctor's are so terrified of being hit with malpractice that they paint the more dire portrait one can imagine. The reality is so vastly different.




This is reality. A beautiful little girl so loved by her family that it is nuts. This is the face of Down syndrome. Trust me, nothing to fear here except perhaps an overload of cute.

Finally I can spill the beans. I had to keep it quiet out of respect for the parties involved and the fact they wished it to remain a secret until it actually happened. Well, since she sucks at keeping secrets, Whitney revealed it herself to her friends which means I can share with mine...she will be home on Tuesday.

When I put her and Braiden on that plane back in August I really never expected almost a year to pass before I laid eyes on them again. I am beyond thrilled she is coming home. I have missed her terribly. Yes, she makes me crazy and I have a strange desire to pound my head against a wall often in her presence, but she is my biggest champion and having her back here will be perfect.

Life with her is never boring and I am looking forward to having the balance flipped upside down. I need my mini me home and now I am getting her. It is about damn time.

Pics and what not as soon as her ass gets here. I can't wait.

I am in a funk. I am intelligent enough and aware enough of my depression to know when I am hitting a low. This is a low. Having dealt with this for most of my adult life, I can easily recognize when I am in the midst of a low point, but this time, I can't even figure out why.

Life isn't terrible. Caleb and Em are doing wonderfully. I am in a good place with things. I avoid the problem child at all costs. So, why do I find myself in a low period? I think because that is simply how my body works. I am not sleeping as well as I should and this is my body and minds way of saying "time to check out for a bit".

I come here two and three times a day and sit down with full intentions of writing. I have gotten so far as to write an entire blog and then hit delete. I simply didn't like how it sounded. I know I have mentioned this before, but I really feel like part of my soul was lost when the Hubby's family decided to not just read my blog, but have this huge discussion about it and then confront me with what they felt were "misconceptions."

A. They do not live in my home nor in my head. Therefore, they can take their "misconceptions" and shove them up their ass once they remove the stick permanently placed there.
B. My blog, my thoughts, MY business.

It isn't that they read it. I certainly never hid the fact that I blog or even the name of it. It never bothered me and I certainly didn't have anything to hide. What did it for me was the day they decided to take what they had read and actually try and convince me that there was something wrong with me for feeling the way I felt. (Please see points A. and B above as to how I feel about that.)

I am having an even more difficult time overcoming this than when the Hubby got into my account and read private and protected entries a few years ago. I guess because his doing it was par for the course. Even his waking me up at midnight screaming about a person I had mentioned in passing on another friends protected blog, didn't surprise me. It was what he did. Invade my privacy, take things I casually mentioned, and use them to try and drive me over the edge. With his family, I just figured they would do what they do with all things concerning this little branch of the family tree; ignore and move on.

The facts are simple...writing is my therapy. It is my outlet. It, on many levels, keeps me balanced. Losing that ability to write without second guessing hurts me in so many ways. Yes, I have a blog I keep elsewhere, but it really isn't the same. This is where "gwacemom" was born and this is where I laid my heart and soul bare for so many years. This is my home and I feel like I need to change all the locks and close the windows tight before I feel safe writing again.

Friends lock isn't something I want. I have many friends outside of xanga that enjoy this blog. I refuse to run and hide, but I am finding it difficult not to duck and cover just a bit.

They say that just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you...that is how I feel most days, as of late. Every blog is read and reread to make sure I didn't let something slip that I didn't intend for fear that I will once again awaken to a man screaming and calling me names or be sitting on Facebook and suddenly get this nasty message from one of his family members basically calling me a liar and crazy.

Oh wait, I did have the good sense to block them from there, so Facebook is no longer an issue. The issue remains here. The question is, what do I do?

I think the answer is not a simple one, but not a particularly difficult one either. I take a few days and get my head together. I come back and remember that this is MY blog and this is MY life. They are nothing more than a footnote in this chapter of my life. Those that know me and love me are all that matters.

I am trying to claw my out of this and hope to be back very soon (possibly medicated which is always fun) doing what I do best...making smart ass comments about this life I call my own.