Saturday, 04 July 2009
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This is not going to be easy
Momaroo; this one is personal so keep it here, please.
Well, I picked Alyssa up on Thursday. This is the first time in about three years that she has made it out for her summer visitation. I never pushed the issue because I wanted it to be something she enjoyed, not something she was forced to do. I sense that her family back home took that opportunity and turned it into something else. There were a few comments back when I was home for graduation from her that were just completely off the wall. As I have said before; I refuse to speak poorly of anyone on that side and that hinders me quite a bit since they have no problem making things up. I think they know I am going to remain quiet and not defend myself so they take pleasure in making some really outrageous comments. I know the facts, they know the facts, and I pray that when Alyssa is older that she seek out those facts and comes to an appropriate conclusion.
Now, back to the visit. It has only been two days, but I notice things that really bother me. I would like to chalk them up to an adjustment period, but I am afraid that isn't the case. Alyssa was only four when the custody battle started and was so very close to me that I can't even imagine the damage that was done to her when she was quite literally ripped out of my arms and moved to a place she had hardly ever been. My little girl is now almost twelve and; for lack of better words; a total basketcase. She is very easily agitated. She eats next to nothing and when she does she complains that her stomach hurts. She has had headaches, stomachaches, a toothache, and a sore back since the moment I got her. When I offer her Tylenol or something else to help with her symptoms, she just says no, she is used to dealing with the pain. Now, I know her father is not the most attentive man on the planet, but I find it hard to imaging him denying her pain medication.
She was trying to put Emily in her carseat the other day while I put Caleb in his. Both carseats can be difficult if you aren't used to using them. When she was unable to get Em into hers; she blew a gasket. It took me almost ten minutes to assure her that I was used to putting them both in myself, so her not being able to snap it in was really no big deal. Whitney hasn't been much of a help either. She promised Alyssa that she would be taking her out to show her around. She has been MIA since the day we got back home. I am left to answer the question; is Whitney going to spend anytime alone with me? I honestly don't know. Whit is a little bugged out about her being here because it is different. Whitney is also a busy active teen that has had plans in place for a few weeks. She does need to spend time with Alyssa, but I don't think she needs to alter her life to please her.
Sheesh, I don't even know if any of this is making sense. My mind is a jumble right now. I see Alyssa and I worry because she has not been taught even the basics of social graces. Everything she learned up until the age of four has long since been forgotten. Her dad is, well, how do I put this? Her dad is your very stereotypical redneck male. You know, the character they show in movies or television shows that every male or female that grew up in the south absolutely hates because they are such ridiculous caricatures of what people there are really like? That would be him. A gun toting, snuff chewing, slightly uneducated, says whatever he feels no matter how politically incorrect, wears shirts that he personally ripped the sleeves out of; redneck. Girls were made to wash the dishes and clean the deer after the hunt. She is to grow up and learn how to be a good wife. She has no need to learn how to read properly or "be learnin herself any of that math stuff".
What I see when I see Alyssa is a broken child that doesn't even realize she is broken. Which means; is it me projecting what I expected for her when in reality she is doing fine in a world I will never understand? Or, am I correct in thinking that sending her back there would be the worst thing I could ever do to her? I really wish that I knew. She has no idea of how to be a girl. She speaks of things that are totally inappropriate in conversations because she has never had anyone answer some very basic female questions.I am doing my best now to try and answer those questions and delicately trying to re teach her the very basics of manners. I don't want to spend this whole month pointing out things that she is doing wrong. My fear is that she will make the decision to go back home and feel like I did nothing but correct her the entire time she was visiting. However, if she decides to stay; I need to guide her in basic socialization.
Now my head hurts. Sorry I went on and on in this rambling monologue. Have a happy 4th! We are watching the fireworks from the safety of our back porch. Be safe and see you soon!
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Comments (6)
Oyf. Well, I can atest to the fact that carseats are a pain when you haven't worked with at least ten times per day for the last month. I'm still battling with Megan's new one. Aurgh. I keep asking myself, if this thing defective or am I?!
I stopped worrying about Matthew's eating habits a while ago. He's best known for pushing things around on his plate, without trying so much as a bite, and complaining that he doesn't like X-thing; when he took seconds of the same thing the week prior. He's used to eating A LOT of junk and we can't eat that way, so that's an adjustment for him. (And, unfortunately, on-going on with all the Summer visitation and his father does not cook, so they typically eat fast food with him; 3 meals a day.) Perhaps Alyssa is used to eating differently as well? How many children is she used to living with? Is she used to having more attention? Chris, a.k.a. "Melman"; think Madagascar, tends to get "hurt" or "feel sick" if I've been busy with Megan and/or cleaning and he quickly forgets about the "pain" once he's involved in something else.
The boys are going through a culture-shock of sorts, too. Their father falls on the otherside of "redneck" as well. The time spent on visitation, they're expected to act differently than they're expected to act with me. Unfortunately, there's no "on/off" switch for it and they're still learning exactly what I expect from them. I think you're doing the best that you can; gently guiding her in the right direction and, hopefully, she'll come to see that she wants to live with you...it sounds like that would be best.
Perhaps talk to Whitney and remind her that she promised to show Alyssa around? I'm with ya, Whit shouldn't have to completely rearrange her life for Alyssa, but just running off is going to make Alyssa feel like there's not a place for her there, too. There's over 100 days of Summer vacation (Cartoon Network told the boys so!), surely spending two or three days with Alyssa won't kill Whitney's whole vacation.
I defend myself. Sometime around the boys' father telling them that I'm an alcoholic, I modified my rules. I will not go out of my way to speak poorly of their father. I will not out-and-out bash him or their family on that side. I will also not let the boys believe (and, with those two and their mouths, spread) misinformation about me. I can set the record straight and be factual with out taking it over the edge. My fear is that if I just let their father and his family bash me until they're blue in the face and I never contradict them, the boys will just take their word as gospel and never bother to give it a second thought or put forth the effort to seek out facts.
I still have no idea what we're doing for fireworks. As per the norm, we've already had issues with the neighbors last night. I'm torn between wanting to get as far from them as possible and not wanting to leave my home because of the risk of fire and, yes, the air space over our home is, apparently, the best place to send their fireworks a flyin'.
Wow - I'm sorry you're in such a hard situation. I have no advise to give you so I'll just keep you in my thoughts and prayers over the next month.
This is king of a lose/lose situation. You've obviously put some serious thought into this, and realized that there really is no easy answer. I'm sure you're post wasn't meant to be an answer session, but I do think that you need to find a way to be sweet and non-judgemental while helping her learn the correct way to socialize... It's going to be a balancing act, but you seem to be VERY good at balancing acts, dear. I hope that you can earn her trust quickly so that she will open up to you and tell you what's been going on, and you can open to her and gently guide her in the right direction.
I'll be praying for the entire situation. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy your 4th of July!@filtered_sunlight - Alyssa lives on what I affectionally refer to as "the compound". Her grandparents, aunt and uncle with their two boys, her other aunt and uncle with their daughter, and her dad and brother, all live on the property. About half a mile down are some more cousins. She has been raised by boys with boys. Her grandmother has done the best that she can, but she is overwhelmed by all the children and she herself raised only boys.
As far as their eating habits; her grandmother is a wonderful cook, but I get the sense that there was no schedule to their eating. Often times I called as late as 9 their time only to be told that "the boys" were grilling and they wouldn't be eating until 10 or later. In our house, we eat pretty much the same time every day. It might differ an hour or so either way, but we always eat by 6. I can't even get her to tell me what kind of food she enjoys. I took her with me to the grocery store and just got a bunch of "I don't cares" whenever I inquired about her likes or dislikes. Ugh.
Honeslty; I feel like such a hypocrite. I sit here day after day talking about what a horrible mom H is and I don't even know what my own daughter likes for dinner. I would like to think the difference is; I didn't give them up, they were taken by liars.
I think I am going to start defending myself in some small ways. I didn't abandon this child and I am tired of hearing that I did. I FOUGHT for two years to try and reveal the lies that were being told. I was 1500 miles away and was driving back and forth sometimes as often as twice a month for court hearings. It finally reached the point that it was doing such harm to the kids that I stopped fighting for their sake. In the back of my mind I knew I would get them back someday. Garrett came back first. We rebuilt our relationship slowly and are now better than ever. Whit was next and we all know how much that girl hates me.
I am hoping the same will be true for Alyssa, but she was so young and doesn't really remember much of her life prior to what they tell her.
@christygraves@xanga - Thank you. Prayers and good thoughts are always appreciated.
@AbsolutelyNormalChaos61308@xanga - LOL, I am balancing all right. I just hope I don't drop one of the kids in the process. Thanks for the support; it means a ton to me.
@gwacemom - Oh wow. Similarly, the boys' father lives across the street from his mother, in a house that she owns and, on the rare occasion that they don't eat McDonald's, they eat at her house. Funny how those "types" stick together like glue! Eight years in that situation...that is rough. If you can extract her from it now, I would.
Driving 125 miles back and forth is getting old. I have no idea how you did it for as long as you did! Kudos to you. Indeed, H is walking away willfully. H does (...has done...has done...past tense...we're going to think positively and hope she's turned over a new leaf! If we all think this collectively, perhaps it will force it to be true??
) what is best for herself. You did what was best for the kids, given the crappy situation with no truly good options. I don't think this makes you a hypocrite at all.
Apparantly I didnt believe in leaving comments on all of your blogs when I read them in a bunch because I had been on vacation... I swear that I did read them! (have 2 more credits!)