Sunday, 25 October 2009

• Only two years gone yet a lifetime lived

  October 25th, 2007 was most likely just another day for most of you. For me it was a day of fear and overwhelming joy. Emily was just eight months old and after a month of false starts; she was heading in to have her heart repaired.

  As a parent you can't begin to imagine how it feels to hear someone tell you; "We are going to be stopping her heart and placing her on a bypass machine. The tissues we are working with are thinner than the thinnest piece of paper. Her heart is so small that it will be a very delicate procedure." After hearing all of this I was supposed to simply hand my twelve pound tiny eight month old over to a nurse that I had met an hour prior? Yes, that was what I was supposed to do and I did.

  It is completely surreal to hand over your life and know that you have no power over if that life comes back to you. I was placing that life into the hands of a doctor that I had spoken to on only three other occasions. To say that I was terrified would not even begin to describe it. I handed Emily over to the nurse and then stood there until the doors closed. I remember Matt holding me and I honestly believe had he not, I would have fallen to the floor. I had no idea if I would see my Emily alive again, but I had to believe that I would.

  We were given a pager to keep with us while we waited. They would page us if there were any problems and as soon as Emily was off the bypass machine. I can remember asking the all important question; "From the moment that child leaves my arms until the moment I see her again, how long will that be?" I was told six to seven hours minimum. I learned after Emily's first surgery that if I simply asked how long the surgery was expected to take, that would be exactly what they would tell me. What I didn't know at the time was; they don't take into consideration the amount of time it takes to get her prepped in the room or how long she is there until they move her to recovery. Trust me, that is a difference of a few hours and I freaked out when after the two hour "surgery" time came and went. It was only after that they explained it took almost an hour to get her prepped and another hour to get her stable enough to head to recovery. That two hour surgery was actually four and a half. I learned from then on to ask specifically how long until I saw that beautiful face again.

  The nurse was so nice and explained the pager policy. In a perfect situation, you don't want to hear that pager before the six hours are over. Any sooner and it most likely means that there was some complication and they are making you aware of that. Okay, no pager noise for six hours equals good; noise before six hours equals bad. Got it.

  Matt's dad and step mother were the only two people at the hospital with us. Several family members had offered to come keep our minds occupied, but we honestly wanted to be alone. With his dad and step mom, we were not expected to talk or put on a brave face. They were simply silent support and I will forever love them for that. They didn't try and make conversation or keep my mind on other things, they seriously let me stare at the wall for four hours.

  For reasons that are too silly to explain, Matt ended up having to leave the hospital for a short period of time. One of the kids needed something and I encouraged him to go handle the matter. There was no way in hell I was leaving and I knew that him getting out would do him a bit of good. It was at that point his parents convinced me to head to the cafeteria. Matt left at hour four and we knew he had at least two hours before the surgery was over to make it back to the hospital. His errand would take less than an hour so all was good.

  I agreed to head downstairs to stare at those walls for a bit. We had literally just sat down to lunch when the pager went off. It was hour five and it was too soon for that pager to go off. My heart stopped and I hurled myself to the nearest phone bracing myself for what they were going to say to me.

  I, with my body shaking so bad I wasn't sure I could stand, dial the extention and practically yell at the poor woman that had the misfortune to pick up. It was at that moment that I heard the most beautiful words; Emily was off the bypass and would be heading to recovery in less than half an hour. I almost fell to the floor and asked her once more to repeat what she had just said.

  I grabbed my in-laws whom had stayed nearby but far enough away so that I could have a moment if I needed one and shared the fantastic news. I then called Matt and told him to hurry back because Emily was coming up soon. He made it back just in time to see our angel brought into the PICU. Even with the head brace and all those tubes, she was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.

  She remained in the PICU for two days before she was sent to the step down unit. On day six she was released from the hospital and we brought our sweet girl home on Halloween.

  I find it so hard to believe that two years have gone by and yet it also seems like a lifetime ago. Emily has done so well that we are now on a once a year cardiologist visit with the promise of soon going to every three years.

  Since that time Emily has learned to walk, talk, and has gotten more adorable as the days go by. She has done so well that it has often been said that her heart shows no signs of ever being "broken".

  Today marks two years and I wanted to just take a moment and reflect. I literally placed my life in a strangers hands two years ago and thankfully she handed it back to me totally repaired. How does one thank someone for saving their childs life? The only way that I knew how was to ensure that Emily not waste one moment of her life and to show others that a life started with challenges doesn't mean a lifetime OF challenges.

  Happy Fixed Heart Day, baby. You are the most amazing person I have ever known and I love more than you will ever understand.

  This was taken about two weeks prior to her surgery.

  

  Sweetness today:

  

  

  She looks like she was coming off a three day drunk, but it was the best recent close up I had.

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