Saturday, 07 November 2009
-
My opinion on abstinence only education
Yes, I realize this has been done to death as of late, but seeing that I just became a grandmother at the age of forty, I decided to put my two cents in.
I have talked before about my mom becoming a mother at the age of sixteen. This was a few years prior to Roe v Wade, so her options were severely limited. She was forced to quit school because back then girls were not allowed to attend school while pregnant. The boy was perfectly acceptable, but the girl was labeled one of "those" girls.
I think because my mom had been through it herself, it made her more open with myself and my sister. Sex was something openly discussed in our home, sometimes to the point of embarrassment. When I first began dating my mother sat me down and said something pretty close to the following: (It was a long time ago, so I don't remember exactly)
"Sex is going to become an issue in your life very soon. Only you can make the choice of having sex or waiting. Don't let boys pressure you. As your mother I really don't want you to have sex, but if you find yourself in a position that you think this might be something you are considering, please come to me first. We will go to the doctor and see about putting you on the pill. (This was before the threat of AIDS, so condoms were not in the forefront as they are today). I don't want you on the pill, but I would much rather have you on that than pregnant at fifteen."
She gave the same speech to my sister. My sister experimented with sex sometime around sixteen or so. I was a virgin until my wedding night. My mother never told me it was okay to have sex, she just made my options known to me and then left me in charge of my decisions. She knew first hand that abstinence wasn't always going to be the way people went.
I have taken the same approach with my children. I discussed with each of them the ramifications of unprotected sex and my desire that they remain abstinent until marriage. Apparently, my son missed a memo because last week he and his girlfriend became the proud parents of a little boy. I would have loved for him to have listened to what I had said and used precautions, but things happen. In a perfect world I would love for him to have been married and much older, but we don't live in a perfect world and this is what life has handed him.
It is my belief that by putting my head in the sand and pretending like he wasn't having sex was going to give me the same outcome. In some respects you can truly lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. However, I still think that educating children about sex is going to prove a far better method than just saying "don't do it". I mean come on, look how well that whole drug policy of "Just say no" is working out for us.
The fact of the matter is; some kids have sex and I would much rather they be educated and comfortable enough to purchase condoms than end up having to make difficult decisions that neither party is mentally or emotionally prepared for.
As demonstrated in my case; two girls given the exact same speech chose very different paths. I did not take my mother's speech as permission to go out and sleep with every guy I dated. I instead heard her tell me that I should wait for that right person so that it would be special.
Knowledge is power and I want my kids to be as powerful as possible. Don't you?
-
recommend
- recs 4
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Post a Comment
- Back to gwacemom's Momaroo Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in gwacemom's local time zone: GMT -08:00 (Pacific Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (26)
I plan on doing the same thing with mine, and I take full credit for that part about the horse, I am positive that I inpspired it. I dont feel that teaching abstinence is effective.
@kidzandK9z@xanga - LOL, you were my inspiration for the horse comment. I figure I am going to take some heat for this one, so I am really glad you were my first comment.
I think abstinence is the best choice when it comes to protecting kids, but kids need to know how to protect themselves even further.
My mom was extremely conservative but she was the most straightforward about sex that a mother could be. She explained to me everything. Oral, anal, fingering masturbation at the age of 7. She said, "What you can't do with your penis, do with your fingers or tongue." My mom was very open and it allowed me to come to her and be open too. I always went to my mom about sexual questions from an early age. Mom was also subtle. So she explained that we were to wait until marriage but then talked about birth control extensively within the contest of marriage. So mom was able to tell us about birth control and yet still tell us to wait. Mom was a freaking genius on this point. I have taken the same method. I must admit that I was less aggressive when talking to my kids about it but I talked to the first two and was very open and they both come back to me and ask questions.
Now I waited until marriage but none of us biological kids had children until after we were married. Oddly we had two foster kids that lived with us for 9 years. Mom never told them anything and was uncomfortable talking to them. So they did not learn early. Both of them had children before they were married. Mom did a good job with us kids. I really think the key is to be more graphic than their friends so your child knows everything that the other kids don't know and everything is out in the open. Plus, if your child asks you about masturbation you should tell them to do it as often as they want. It takes the mystery out of it and it tends to lessen the likelihood they will have sex.
@Paul_Partisan@xanga - I agree. I just look at abstinence only education much like teaching kids how to spell half a word. It just doesn't make sense.
@TheTheologiansCafe@xanga - I agree, your mother sounds like a genius. What was really funny was both my sister's and my friends parents were very uptight about sex. They refused to discuss it with them at all. Neither my sister or I had children prior to marriage (Kim for very different reasons), but three of our friends did. I think my mom came off as looking damn near brilliant in her approach to sex as opposed to the others.
All my parents did was just told me not to do it they never gave me any details, never explained anything and I got curious at 17 and learned from the internet. I really wish my parents had been a little more educating like you were to your kids.
I like the way you put this. I think going about it in this way is the most appropriate. Voicing your beliefs and opinions and explaining why you think it's important to wait, AND let your children know that things do happen and how they can properly protect themselves. You don't have to give up one or the other. It is a fine balance between condoning and letting your children walk into danger.
i so have to agree with this post! My parents never sat down with me and explained what could happen and the posibilities! Even though i knew what would happen if i did.. and didnt take the right procaution.
Well.. i experimented when i was 14 with my first 'real' bf. And when i met my husband at 16 2 months later we found out i was pregnant bc i didnt force him to use condoms.. i thought it was ok.. I was 17 when i had my first daughter...
SOOO.. by what i had to go through at such a young age i am definitely sitting down with my girls early on and explaining things to them! I want them to know that no matter what decision they choose i want them to come to me first before actually going through with it so that we can talk it over and see what our options are.
I also went to a christian school and they did not believe in having sex ed classes so i wasnt taught there either! Once i got pregnant i couldnt attend the school again till after the baby was born and then i would have to sign a paper saying i wouldnt have sex ...and my grades had to be above a certain level! So i never did go back to finish school and i need to currently need to get my GED!
thanks for this post! How old is your son that just had the baby?
I am not sure I even understand "abstinence only" education. If a child attends public school they have health class which covers sexual education. In fact, hasn't sex ed been in school for over four decades?
I saw one abstinence program done that my daughter attended with her friends at her school. I gave them a ride over.. It spoke about being above the animal kingdom. It spoke about being concious of your surroundings, being aware of your own sexuality and that things just don't happen, they are a result of a decision making process. It talked about being in control of your future. It talked about messing up your life by getting pregnant. It talked about there being one way to get pregnant and the ramifications pregnancy has on accomplishing your goals as a teen/young adult.
It also talked about marriage and divorce rates and how people that waited had higher success rates in marriage than those who had premarital sex.
I didn't see this as a abstinance only education as she has health and sex ed in school. She is working hard for scholarships and maintaining class rank with AP courses.
Like you, I dont live in a fantasy world and my daughter goes in to see her doctor by herself and what they discuss is their business, including birth control, though my daughter does not use birth control, it is a option should she need to.
I agree that many of these programs tell kids now not to rely solely on condoms. I advised my daughter not to either. I would not trust a condom to prevent me from getting a std and with the high rate of std's I think it is a major consideration. The odds are better than vegas with a condom but not good enough for me. Or not good enough to tell my child to rely on it for protection.
I would not rely on a condom to prevent pregnancy if it was me that wanted to be protected from being a parent. To me, that is being honest.
To tell our kids there is such a thing as safe sex is telling them a lie. Safe sex today is both going to a doctor and getting a clean bill of health including blood tests. I don't ever want to give my daughter reason to say daddy why didn't you tell me?
In all respect for your position as a parent.
@tootlezbug@xanga - He will be nineteen next month. He has an adorable little boy and while I would love for it to have been later, he is most adorable baby and I am one proud grandma.
I'm with you. My mom avoided the topic like the plague...I did okay, but definitely feel like perhaps things might've gone in a different direction had she been more open. (Not so much in the department pregnancy or STDs as that didn't turn into an issue, but my first sexual relationship in general.)
My dad being a single father from when I was 12 until I was 15 put him in the position of being the one who had to deal with this. I attended Catholic school where the only sex education was a two day guest class about chastity. We had PE/Health but there was biology talk there, but no sex talk. They expected parents to be the teachers in this subject. They had plenty of resources and even meetings and classes for parents, but they left it to them. Which I believe is the right way. It was my Aunt who actually sat down with me and had those discussions about female matters but my dad always approached it from many angles but it was never even implicitly said that it was OK to have sex. I was never just told "Don't do it, but if you do...". I was told "Don't do it and this is why..." I don't know that much about abstinence only education, but I just don't think it amounts to "Just don't do it." I think we will step up to high expectations if given them, and lie down to low ones if given them.
I completely agree with you on this. While my parents never had "the talk" with me ( basically because I've never had much of an interest in having sex yet) it was always there in the open. From a young age they always instilled that children were to come after marriage preferably or atleast at a time when we were moved out. It has stuck with my brothers and I. As of yet, none of us are having/expecting children. I am still a virgin at 19, and while I don't expect or wish to save it until marriage, I feel extremely educated about it and know that if I had any questions I could still, as an adult young woman, ask my mother or father without any embarassment or shame. I plan on doing the same for my kids. Giving them the facts if they need/want them and giving them the options.
@scrambledmegsntoast@xanga - You make some excellent points. I think you are right about the meeting the high expectations if given those. Thanks!
I'm not a parent yet but I am a big believer in the idea that knowledge is power!
I will very much be doing the same things as your mother. Sex will be openly discussed and birth control made available if they do decide to have sex.. however, I will constantly talk about the emotional drawbacks of sex too soon, etc... but I would rather have my kids feel like they can come to me (or Bryce) instead of sneaking around and getting pregnant because they were too scared to get BC (like me...) Great Post!
Thank you. Abstinence-only sex education is a proven failure...just look at our ridiculously high rates of teen pregnancy and teen abortion.
I agree, there is no fix-all "cure" for kids having sex before they are married. They are going to do what they are going to do, no matter what you tell them. Abstinence-only education just means they don't understand or know how to really protect themselves and/or are afraid to talk to their parents or get protection on their own. Not knowing your options, just means that there is way more room for a "mistake" to occur. It only takes once!
I've even heard kids that were so scared of buying condoms because of what people might think say that buying condoms is like saying you are intending to do it. So, its better and even perhaps less "sinful" if you do it without protection, because that is a spur of the moment thing. And I guess they feel it alleviates some of the blame from themselves.
Kids need to be able to talk to their parents, and know that they can talk to their parents. And they need to have all of their options, not just the ones we'd rather them know about.
That doesn't mean that there won't be girls getting pregnant, anyway. That doesn't mean that all kids will stop having premarital sex. But, neither does abstinence-only, obviously. I just think that the instances of such (especially teen pregnancy) would be fewer if every child was able to know how things worked exactly, how to protect yourself against STDs and unwanted pregnancy, and that they could come to their parents if they needed help or were unsure of what to do about anything. And that they would know they'd be given an honest answer without anything being omitted for the parents' convenience, and that they wouldn't be getting themselves into trouble with their parents.
Ignorance of the way things work is just fuel for disaster, if you ask me.
I think a lot of people think that those who are against abstinence-only education think that if we tell our kids these things there will be no instances of STDs or teen pregnancies. I don't know anyone against abstinence-only education who really thinks that.
I also think that a lot of parents think its tantamount to telling your kid to run out and have sex and how to do it. Which also is wrong.
And I also think that a lot of parents feel that if you get rid of abstinence-only education, then the education put in its place will not even tell children that they should not have sex before married. And that also is not true.
You can teach abstinence, while also teaching your kids about their bodies, about how to protect themselves if they do decide to have sex, and all that goes along with that. It doesn't mean you leave teaching abstinence out.
But, its obvious that the majority of the time abstinence-only education doesn't seem to work. And in communities where the majority of people are religious, the instances of teen pregnancies are even higher. So, God isn't scaring them away from sex. And neither is not having all the information. They're just doing it with barely any knowledge of anything, or too afraid to talk to their parents or to even get protection. Also, nobody is dispelling myths about sex and pregnancy in abstinence-only education, at least not for the most part. I knew girls in school who still believed some of the weirdest things, like having sex in water washes away the sperm so you can't get pregnant. Or having sex during your period means you can't get pregnant. Or even some things that seemed to have no logic to them at all, such as jumping up and down afterward, or keeping one foot on the ground during, would stop you from getting pregnant. Perhaps that goes further away from gullibility and more toward stupidity, but still...
Also, I think that the age restrictions, in some states, for buying condoms and pregnancy tests should be lifted or at least lowered.
I have a friend in TN who isn't able to let 15 year olds buy condoms, although some have been responsible enough about what they are going to do to try to buy them. She just has to turn them away, even though she thinks it is wrong, because it is a law. And that means that either they have to steal condoms from a different store, or they have to have sex without protection and just chance getting their girlfriend pregnant. Naturally, they don't have to have sex. But, does anyone really think that not being allowed to buy condoms is going to stop kids from having sex?
Not being allowed to buy alcohol hasn't stopped them from getting alcohol. Either they steal it or they have someone who is old enough to buy it get it for them.
Illegal narcotics being illegal to everyone hasn't stopped kids from using illegal narcotics.
Just like abstinence-only education doesn't mean that every kid is going to run out and have sex, neither does teaching abstinence education plus everything else. Its just realistic and practical. Nobody wants their kids or anyone else's kids to be having sex before they are old enough and married, but you know what it happens. Those who are going to do it anyway, regardless of what they are told to do or not to do, need to at least be armed with the knowledge of how to protect themselves.
And wow, I wrote you a novel. I'm so sorry!
@tracezilla@lovelyish - LOL, you made excellent points, don't apologize. Thanks so much!
Rather than focus on abstinence, I would like to see education about the responsibilities of being a parent, including required financial responsibilities for the father. The stark realities of being a young parent and the subsequent life changes may do more to encourage either abstinence or contraception than moralizing.
@redhairedgrrl@xanga - I couldn't agree more.
Chastity belts. Any daughters I have will wear chastity belts. The scary metal kind that they wore in the middle ages. The boys? I havent figured it out yet. I will let you know when I do...
@der_lila_Stern@xanga - LOLOL, cut their package off?
@gwacemom - we do cut off the cats balls... why not do it to the kids? lol!